before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
