The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
