but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
