Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
