Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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