I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
