Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize