Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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