so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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