He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize