i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
