cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
