2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
