Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
