listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize