so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think people are normalizing furries
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
