Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
