I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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