Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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