just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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