your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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