So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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