i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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