2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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