someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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