one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I looked at my own cervix.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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