Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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