yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
