i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
