If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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