Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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