he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
