Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
