College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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