I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My balls are so social today.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
