She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize