Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
