just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you inspire me to be a worse person
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Sorry about my life...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
