Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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