saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
