some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
not ubering you a puppy
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
