So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
