I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
