i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
