Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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