the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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