Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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