I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
