Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
