Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize