were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
