my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dicks are not precious.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
