My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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