I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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