Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
