So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
