I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you had me at cake vodka
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
