remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
